On paper the new South Beach Collection looks staggeringly potent. Take one each of the top two shooting guards, small forwards, and power forwards; combine with adequate players at the point and center; mix well and serve large portions. Need another 10 players, should be no problem with applicants pushing forward their résumés like wealthy country-clubbers pressing Bernie Madoff to put their money in his sure-fire investments. Just the Meet-and-Greet played to more fanfare and trumpeting than the Duck Boat Tour in June of 2008. Call your broker and corner the market on confetti stock. Vegas has taken win/loss off the board and is going with margin of victory. The only real danger is whether one of the Big Three Egos will be injured patting himself on the back.
Is the order already in to Mercedes-Benz to make the custom carts to ferry Their Highnesses up and down the court so they won’t be too tired to autograph paraphernalia and huge checks? Have they installed the thrones and put the ocean-view windows in the American Airlines Arena interview room? Is there a line yet for the franchises to sell the rarified air breathed, drops of sweat (or will they just “glow”) shed, and the little carefully bagged shite cubes from the new Florida royalty? Well get with it, there are patrons to be gouged, marks to be shilled, and youngsters to be exploited—after all there’s one born every minute.
Barnum and Bailey never imagined to what lengths the freak show could be perverted. Dr. Naismith never imagined to what tawdry depths his wholesome peach basket pastime could be sunk. Even David Stern probably didn’t realize that the natural conclusion of his sell-the-star-not-the-game marketing was this orgy of self-aggrandizement. The Laker’s Showtime has reached it’s logical overload—will the movie version be titled DwaneLeBosh Almighty? Miami has finally come up with a Three Ego Circus that will make The Birdcage look like wholesome entertainment.
I propose that the Heat and the Lakers withdraw from the NBA. They can tour, playing each other every third night, like the Globetrotters. They could even take the first two rows of celebrities on the road with them—Jack and Jay-Z, Dyan and Madonna, the Star Island Posse and the Malibu Beach Club, the Laker Girls and the Miami Bikinis. Halftimes can feature midget tossing, pilates by Morganna, and a speed tattoo competition. Why stop at a one hour LeBronathon? This has Entertainment 24/7 written all over it. I’ve even got in mind a couple of NBA referees that should travel with the show, they certainly seem too full of themselves to do a good job in the regular-grind league any more.
Besides this way the rest of the Association can get back to playing the game of basketball. Those of us that enjoy good basketball can watch real games on NBA TV. Those of you that are just in it for the bling and the highlight reels can stick to The Big 3egos, LA Showtime, and the Extravaganza Sports Perversion Network. [Discuss on CG Forums!]