Do you know why it’s so obvious we’re winning the war in Iraq? Cause Bush says so. Do you know why it’s so obvious we’re losing the war in Iraq? Cause the Democrats say so.
Do you know why it’s so obvious the Celtics are tanking this season? Cause a whole lot of fans and sports writers (many of whom come from towns like Charlotte, Milwaukee, Philly, and Memphis and are completely unbiased) say so.
Do you know why it’s so obvious the Celtics aren’t tanking this season? Cause I am a completely biased Celtics fan and I say so.
Let’s examine the “evidence” the Celtics are tanking the season.
Exhibit A: Paul Pierce is out indefinitely. We all saw Paul Pierce play lately. He was jumping through the roof and running faster than Carl Lewis on speed wasn’t he? Picture of health. I mean the guy survived 97 stab wounds to the heart, liver and kidney, last year, and he never got hurt before in his hundred year career, so he’s not allowed to get hurt this year, right? If he does he’s tanking. Mike Miller out indefinitely? Completely different. Ray Allen? Andrew Bogut? Charlie Villaneuva? Sean May having weight problems and the newest member of the witness protection program? Alridge, Randolph, and even Pyrzbilla out? All totally legit. But Paul Pierce? Tanking. And you know why? Cause some covetous sports hacks say so.
Exhibits B and C: Tony Allen and Wally Szczerbiack are out too. It must be part of a master plan. Yep. Losing these guys didn’t cause the Celtics to lose any extra games. The Celts clearly decided it was in their best interests to have a guy with a large, nearly untradeable longterm contract bend his ankle the wrong way a half dozen times. They also thought that having one of the games’ best young players finally emerge was a real danger to the long term plan. What nobody knows about Tony Allen’s stupid celebratory dunk was that for like a week before that happened Doc and Danny Ainge kept telling him “You know Tony, everyone loves a showoff. Why don’t you try a few dunks that don’t matter.” The moment he snapped his ACL Doc was heard to say “Eeexxxxcellent”, and what nobody knows, except all those honorable and objective sports writers, is that when Gerald Green failed to snap his ACL at the slam dunk contest Danny Ainge was heard to say “D’oh”! Seriously we have a video tape of this. It’s in Lucky’s locker next to the proof of Nicole’s real killer and the identity of the 2nd gun man from the grassy knoll. In fact Doc and Danny were hoping every single Celtic would get injured this year so that we could have an All-NBDL team. I’m telling you, Allen Ray and Pinkney are just the first steps.
Exhibit D: Losses to Charlotte and Milwaukee are proof of strategic tanking. How do we know? Because they also had a couple game win streaks and young teams are notorious for playing consistent basketball throughout a season.
Ah yes. The old reverse psychology anti-tank tank. The Celtics were trying so hard to tank, that they won three games in a row in an attempt to prove they weren’t tanking, then figured they were safe and proceeded to tank properly in a traditional fashion. Now when teams were more than happy to beat up on the Celtics during that 18 game losing streak that was one thing. When Charlotte was happy to beat the Celts early in the year that was another. But if the Celts lose now? Tanking. In fact several sports writers have sent letters to their favorite rent-a-congressman asking that tanking be defined as “Any team which has been losing for nearly the entire season, called the Boston Celtics, must start playing .500 ball or better in the last month, or else it will be considered tanking. They will automatically forfeit the rights to as many elite players as there are in the NBA lottery (which in the case of 2007 entitles them to no better than the 3rd pick, unless somehow amazingly Michael Beasly is allowed to enter the draft because of how he was screwed by Bob Huggins and Kansas State, in which case they get the fourth pick).
Exhibit E: Boston is the only NBA team in the history of the world that ever tanked. That’s why the concept was invented years ago. It was ok when teams not named the Celtics were doing it, because that was the past and we’re not here to talk about the past, only the future. We can’t mention names or actions. We only know that Boston must be punished.
Exhibit F: Boston is the team with the 2nd best chance of winning the lottery. They’re tanking and Memphis isn’t. Therefore, Boston is double backwards, no backsies tanking. Clearly Boston is pulling the most genius and diabolical job of tanking the world has ever seen. Since they know that the lottery is a lottery and often results in the worst team only having about a 25% chance of winning the lottery, they have planned to be the SECOND worst team in an attempt to INCREASE their chances! When did they hatch this genius plan? In 1996, when they noticed that despite having by far the most lottery balls they didn’t even get the 2nd pick. The moment the Spurs won the rights to Duncan and Philly won the rights to Keith Van Horn after winning the rights to Allen Iverson the year before, (which wasn’t suspicious on any level at all, and certainly not as suspicious as when the Magic won Shaq and then Webber despite miniscule odds, and not as suspicious as when the Hornets won Larry Johnson and then Zo) the head of the Celtics was heard saying “Note to self. Eleven years from now when I’m not here any more aim for the 2nd worst record. Having the worst record doesn’t work”.
Exhibit G: It is 100% guaranteed that both Oden and Durant will both come out this year, and because it is a weighted lottery there is a 100% chance the Celtics will receive one or both of these players, and therefore have tremendous incentive to lose every single possible game, cause they wouldn’t want to teach their young guys how to win or anything.
The boys at Cambridge and MIT are still analyzing this theory and have yet to publish their findings. They might even bring in the business analysts on Chestnut Hill to work on this one, and if all else fails they’ll outsource the work to a Japanese or Indian firm. It seems that for now the boys at Memphis University, UNC, Duke, and UW-Milwaukee know something the Bostonians don’t. Steve Hawking has apparently channeled the ghost of Einstein to prove this theory and are working for the other teams under the table.
“YOU STEW-PID IDO-OUGHT. IT-IS-SO OB-VY-OUS. NOW I MUST GO. I HAVE AN APPOINT-TA-MENT TO DO A VOICE OVER FOR THE SIMP-SONS”
H as in Houston. When the Rockets won the lottery and picked Yao it was ok. If the Celts get Oden or Durant it won’t be. Why is this true? Cause Jeff Van Gundy says so. He has so much integrity he would say it in a box. He would say it with a fox. He would say it here or there. He would say it anywhere. And he would say it as coach of Houston and he would say it as coach of Boston. He would say it as coach of Milwaukee. He is so good so good you see.
The Celtics aren’t tanking the season. Not worse than any other team. You know why? Cause I say so. You know what else I say, which is totally overdue to all those hypocritical opportunistic wannabe sports writers, fans, and Jeff Van Gundy? F U (and that doesn’t mean Florida University). Get off our backs. In the not too distant future we’re gonna probably have Oden or Durant and even if we don’t we’re gonna hang up championship banner #17 and there’s nothing you can do about it except cry like a little baby. When the time comes you’ll be good at crying cause you’ve been doing that all season already.
Tommy Point! But not for you. source: Celtics Green